The Gaswoman General Nonsense

I was in cath lab today. For those unfamiliar to the term cath lab, that's catheterization suite. This is normally where percutaneous coronary intervention takes place. We are so good these days that PCI is the done thing for the treatment of myocardial infarct. I remember thinking it was a relative novelty when I first started medical school. It has now come leaps and bounds. So much so, it has threaten the cardiothoracic surgeons in the number of patient that cardiac bypass are being performed. It is fantastic though. So much cheaper, a heck lot safer and indeed can safe lives.

I never like the cath lab though. My first few experiences in the cath lab was watching PCI carried out as medical student. We had 2 arrest on the table. Not nice. Then I had to bring my ventilated patient across to cath lab. Also not nice since one of them die on the table and we had to let family in to sit in with a dead family member in a cold horrible room. And today, actually today wasn't as bad. My patient actually was not as bad as my previous experiences. I still hate it though.

I was watching the cardiologist. It's funny. We usually label cardiologist as "Wannabe Surgeons". They can be right arrogant twats but on the other hand I have met equally fantastic individuals. Normally the consultants are nice, the registrars however are a different ballgame. Needless to say I am not going to make a generalised accusation onto cardiologist. One of my closest friend is a cardiologist and he is a complete nutter and a fabulous person. Anyway, I was watching the cardiologist. I must say despite whatever I thought of them, I have a heck of degree respect for them and to what they do. It's pretty amazing. The heart beating, the vessels become unblocked and lo-behold we have flow to the heart.

That also brought to a non-so distant memory too. I owe it to the cardiologists at home. My dad had 3 stents in and thanks to the cardiologist. Of which, I wonder what must has gone through my dad's head when he was lying on that cold table slab with the x-ray machine going buzzing up and down, the warm sensation of dye going through his chest and the weird feeling. My dad did say it was a strange experience. He had great admiration for the cardiologist that performed on him. Apparently they never stop as they go through as much as 40 patients in a day. Hats off. Despite my gruge against cardiologist (for failing to perform urgent echos on my ITU patients) I owe you guys one.

I just feel drained. Starting your day in the cath lab taking over from your colleague from the night shift is never is a great start. Then we had a transfer with similar problem. Then a sick pregnant woman. She is sick though. I hate those damn cheap stethoscope which hangs on the bedside. For the first time, I could actually hear an abnormal breath sound through those damn things.. ego, it must be a bad chest!!! To end it all, the nicest, most non-complaining patient of mine passed away quietly, silently with no fuss at all.

Sometimes, I wonder whether if any of my colleagues feel if everything at work gets to them. At this point, I feel relatively vulnerable. For a while, my barriers as a professional is down. Unashamedly, I cried though I don't know what for.

I feel very human. I am glad though. I am glad to still have that compassion that compel me to do this job.

xx

I love life. Having had pass what seemed like an eternity of life suspending event and hold-ups I am now back on the ground again. The sheer torment and exhaustion and a great burden on my shoulder has been completely lifted. The adrenaline drive that has been the major driving force over the last 12-15 months is gone.I am now feeling rather tired and after the initial euphoria I am now feeling drained albeit jubilant still. I am (despite the enthusiasm expressed in this blog) very grateful and relief. It's strange. I have fantastic colleagues who were with me that didn't get through. I wonder why. We are all as good and as competent. Somehow being judged in front of people for less than 2 hours which is a life line for your career is somewhat unfair. Difficult but unfortunately that's the way things go. Alternatively, I also held the view of what is not meant to be yours will never be, so why worry? My dad told me once, you just never know what is there install for you and some things are just not yours for the taking.

The scary thing is, (and I don't know if anyone else does this) I have now pass that border of attachment. I put all life-holding brain wrecking responsible adult decision on this post. Now I have reached this post,  I got to start living. In term of careers wise, God willing all shouldn't be much problem. My life has been transfixed around this - be it love life, social life. I suppose the other question, or what I suppose I am trying to get it is, where am I going from now? The world is my oyster I suppose but I don't know what sort. I suppose I can let it be but it may get completely wasted away. However, if we are so busy planning every single bit of our lives, you just forget to live. I never thought about it but suddenly I have an inherent fear what lies next for me. The past years flown by. I think I grew up a lot, matured and mellowed although somehow I still can't keep my gob shut :). 

I had the bad news of a family death and bereavement. My father's younger sister has left us. I wondered how my father is feeling. It seemed that she knew she was going to die. In fact, she told those around her that she is going. I suppose you just know. Death is always a way to measure and reflect yourself in current events. Also a point to question where you are going with your life. On the other hand, a colleague is expecting his number 2 anytime soon. I find the cycle of life birth and death is vital in balancing our perspective on living. Maybe that's why I find Children of Men very moving.

I am afraid. Yet I am excited at the same time. I don't know what else life has got install for me. Will I cry? Will I be left broken? Perhaps even more happier? Will I loose all I have now? Alternatively will my life be so completely different that I couldn't even understand why I wrote this garbage? I don't know. Suddenly there's no post to hang on to. Just life. And I have to brace myself and jump into it this time, good and proper and accept everything that will come in the way be it for better or for worse.

Have a good weekend.

xx

In fact most days are very good. Some days are just plain boring. Today I was on long day in ICU. I must admit I like ICU. But perish the thought of working in ICU full time. I was tired. Very tired. But manage to do most jobs before Dr T came on.

Just to recap.. I finally got my exams. Officially now I suppose I can write my name, then my med school degree then my fellowship.. all I need is some minion. Although I am sadden about my colleagues who didn't make it. We all should have. We all deserve to pass. I now deservingly should pass out too...

xx

Yup that's me alright. The books has been laid on the table the last 3 hours.. during which I had spent making 2 cups of coffee, 1 cup of tea, the laundry (cycle x 2), eating lunch (soup courtesy of Albert Heijn) , cleaning the coffee table and everything else.

It's Friday and finally I have come to unwind. It's been such frantic 2-3 weeks that I have yet to have a moment to breathe. Things being persistent and constantly on going that I have lost track whether I am coming or going. Sometimes I wonder whether it's great to be demented - no one can blame you if you forget everything :) In saying that, it's not a blessing to have dementia. I am just glad I am sitting at this dining table (knowing that my battery on this laptop is completely kaput)  and the thought my lovely man is coming home in the next couple of hours.

Yesterday has been one of the mooiest (loveliest) day for a while. We had a lovely evening meal at our favourite restaurant the zakkendrager. We were reminiscing the times we had spent here and sitting at our spot with plenty of happy memories and feeling there. With high spirit (and perhaps besotted and drunkenly in love for which I am glad still exist and strong after nearly 4 years), we left to Tivoli to watch Emiliana Torrini who was absolutely brilliant. What an evening! I cannot ask for anything better. (perhaps the news that I have finally passed my exams may match it)

The last 2 weeks also had made me realise how fantastic life has been to me (and to know that someone is looking out for me). That period alone has reunited me with 2 old school friends, 3 others from my early youth in the UK and at the same time 2 babies arriving well to this world. (Congratulations again!!) Not forgetting the thoughts and contacts from my current circle of friends and colleagues from work. And I suppose the constant ground leveler in my life who is still here for me (albeit a little misunderstanding just before my Irish exams) who had never wavered one single bit. For this moment in time, I feel calm, grateful and thankful. Tired though - half day trips to London, annual appraisal to complete, exams to do, revisions, old friends to catch up with and of course the constant commuting on the M6.

My Eid celebration has been a blast. I wasn't at home. For truly, I am grateful for my old schoolmate who had allowed myself and my lovely man to be part of their celebration. Thank you - as strange and religious it may sound - I really hope and I am sure they will be blessed for their kindness and sincerity. I haven't had this much fun for a long time. That day too was also special as I finally met up with another old friend, of which we had spoken over the telephone the past 3-4 years, having lost touch for several years and finally met up. How wonderful!

This was also my first Eid with my man. It's almost complete now. He has now seen pretty much all sides of me. My life is relatively simple but in reality can be quite complex. I have always been a free spirit. And he the home rooted lad has chosen to go with me for the ride. He has seen me pretty much in all views - coronal, axial, distal, proximal, anterior, posterior, back, front, through and through. Strange, but I now feel very free. Whether he has accepted me well and truly, that I cannot say but certainly I could not feel any objection to me being me. My dear love - thank you.

Now, I suppose I should be opening that book. It's getting on - the day is. It's lovely to have slept in a bit and just pratting about the house. A true luxury these days. I look forward for 6 pm tonight. Have a lovely weekend everyone.

Who is she? Yeah I asked the same thing when I saw she is listed to play on the 24th September in Tivoli, Utrecht. She is half Italian half Icelandic with an Icelandic accent (kinda cute). The best thing is, I am going to see her play live. This is a sample of her work Happiness all round. Yeah or at least after 2.30  pm this Monday. Just in case you think you may have heard her, she played in the Lord of The Rings Two Towers the Gollum Song.

Speaking of which congratulations to AS and G for the birth of their baby boys. What's with all this male population expanding? Another friend, in fact , two are s due a little fella, another one just had a little fella too and 2 are about to due albeit their not sure what sex their baby is. There is a sudden influx of male expansion!! Again happiness all around part 2.